By Sr. Gabriel Perry
My name is Sister Gabriel Perry, and I am a novice with the Marian Sisters of the Diocese of Lincoln.
It is difficult to pinpoint exactly when God captured my heart. Jane Austen puts it well: “I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”
In the beginning, Christianity scared me.
I would never have admitted it at the time, but it did. Many times at my high school lunch table, the word God would come up and I would instantly freeze. I would start to tense up, feeling like I was sinking into the ground right past my chair into the floor. I felt my face redden and I was afraid they would ask me something, and I would have to skirt around the fact that I didn’t believe in God.
Growing up in a suburb of Las Vegas, Nevada, I had many friends who were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Religion was spoken of often around me, but I never felt the need to explore this sought-after God that everyone spoke so highly of.
A friend of mine in high school was involved with YoungLife and invited me to many events. Donuts before school? Sure! Glow-in-the-dark capture the flag? Of course! Bible study? No, I don’t think so.
I was then invited to attend a weeklong summer camp with this organization, and with some coaxing, I agreed. Although the zip line, ropes course, and time with friends was great, a defining moment came when I turned down the offer to go on a “New Believers” walk. I wasn’t a new believer. I wasn’t a believer at all. I had to be honest with myself.
From this point until my junior year of college, I would identify as agnostic. After much searching, I decided to move to Lincoln, Nebraska, to attend UNL for college in 2010, studying math education. God was already at work.
My randomly-assigned roommate was Catholic and would become a largely influential person in my life. In 2012, I found myself at Mass for the first time, there only to support her.
Later that year I began attending Mass, now only to support my boyfriend. At one point I found myself alone at Mass and singing for the first time, a hymn that has since become one of my favorites, “How Can I Keep from Singing.” Standing there, I felt a piece of me breathe a sigh of relief. I felt my heart open up to God’s love for a split second, only to quickly close once the song had ended.
Over the course of the next two years which included a breakup, student teaching, graduating from college, getting a job and moving into my first solo apartment, God was slowly softening my heart. In the fall of 2014, I enrolled in RCIA. Throughout RCIA, I flip-flopped between feeling like I couldn’t bear to go to another Mass with having to stay behind during Communion, and feeling as though I couldn’t possibly be ready to be baptized and join the Church – it was all going so fast. Our class on baptism had a huge impact on my heart. Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life. I was ready to begin.
My parents and sister were very supportive and made the trip to attend the Easter Vigil in 2015 when I was baptized, confirmed, and received Holy Communion for the first time.
Living out my new Catholic faith was difficult. I heard many people talking of “doing God’s will,” but I had no idea what that meant. I especially didn’t know what it meant to do God’s will on a daily basis; in the middle of teaching my high school math class at a public school, or on a date, or in family matters. My frustrations about doing God’s will culminated with a dramatic plea with God for Him to be clear about what His will was for me.
After an incredibly bad day, the last thing I wanted to do was go to a Bible study, but it was during this car ride when God spoke more clearly than ever before. He quietly but profoundly invited me to serve His Church as a religious sister. I was shocked. The tears began; joy was felt. The prospect of sharing my faith with my family and the idea of future nieces and nephews asking me about the habit brought overwhelming joy to me.
But as quickly as the joy was felt, insecurities and a feeling of unworthiness set in. I’ve only been Catholic for two years, I clearly don’t know enough. I’m clearly not qualified. God must have made a mistake in choosing me.
I put myself together and walked in. Providentially, that was the last time our group would meet. We discussed God’s will and what that meant for our lives. I was still pondering what God had just done. It was that night that I knelt in front of the tabernacle and said for the first time out loud, “Lord, do you want me to be a nun?”
The next nine months were filled with insecurities, wrestling with God in prayer about what all of this meant, researching online, and finally meeting with a priest and then finally a sister. I had so many questions.
Everything seemed to be falling into place, but I was still afraid to finally say yes. I was afraid to hand over the reins and give God everything.
God spoke directly to my heart, “What more can I do?” I didn’t have an answer. My own unique fiat came during Sunday Mass after the Gospel of Matthew was read, “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Even though many of the fears and insecurities were still looming in the background, God made it clear that He was calling me. I believed that was true, and if it was true that God was calling me, then what did I have to fear doing what God was asking.
My entrance to the Marian Sisters in September 2018 was simply a continuation of something that I have learned has always been at work in my life. God truly has captured my heart. Even though I only first encountered God at the age of 21, He had begun to lay the foundation long before.
Learn more about the Marian Sisters at www.mariansisters.org.
