by Natalie Brei, PhD
Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center
When a loved one dies, family members and friends must deal with the barrage of emotions that inevitably accompanies the grieving process. Many have heard about stages of grief, including feelings of anger, depression, or acceptance, but it is debatable whether there are truly defined ‘stages’ or a universal progression through the process. How we deal with grief is very individual.
Additionally, the way adults and adolescents understand death is quite different than that of young children, who until about age 7 still think very concretely and thus have a hard time with concepts they cannot touch or see. Nonetheless, it is important to provide exposure to talking about death rather than disguising death in an effort to prevent the child from experiencing pain.
The finality of death is more difficult for children to grasp than for older individuals. At the same time, children’s concreteness does make things somewhat easier for adults grappling with how to explain death to them. Below are some guidelines, and while every child is different, these offer starting ideas for caregivers at a loss for how to begin.
Start with small bits at a time. Don’t give in to the temptation to say everything at once. We adults want to talk too much, because often this helps us process the big picture. Young children can only process little bits at a time.
Be concrete. Generally, avoid metaphors such as “Grandpa passed away” or “God has called him home.” Children have a hard time understanding how that matches with reality.
Here are examples of concreteness:
“I have to tell you something. (Name) died.”
“When you die, your heart stops. You don’t breathe any more, and your body stops working.” You might relate this to something the child has experienced, like a bird’s death.
“Since (Name) died, that means he cannot come back home. We won’t see him anymore.”
Feel encouraged to use faith and spirituality: “(Name) is in heaven now. He is at Jesus’ house and he is okay. But he cannot come back here.”
Children do well with visuals, and it may help to give them the knowledge that their loved one’s spirit is still present. This can be done in a variety of ways: “What’s kind of neat is that even though (Name)’s body died, he has an invisible body now. Kind of like an angel, you can’t see him, but he’s like a superhero who is invisible. So he can still see you and you can talk to him, even though you don’t see or hear him.”
It is okay to cry in front of the child and tell him about sadness without trying to hide emotion: “We are sad because we’ll miss (Name). It’s okay to feel sad and cry. You might see us crying and that’s okay because we miss (Name).”
Check for understanding and questions.
Depending on the child, you might find that this much is enough for the initial explanation. Don’t try to push beyond or anticipate questions about the death. Just answer those that arise, keeping in mind that since children range so much developmentally, there are not strict “age guidelines” for how to talk about death to children. It can be hard to know what each child is able to understand. The child will help you gauge what his or her level of understanding is through the questions he/she asks. Try not to offer too much beyond the actual questions you receive.
Most likely, you will get questions about “why?” or “how?” Depending on the manner of death, whether it was anticipated after a long illness or unexpected as in an accident, you may choose to share more or less information. If you don’t want to share many details, that is okay. Try to repeat your original words in these cases: “His heart stopped. When that happens, your body shuts off.” If questions continue and you feel that repeating this is not satisfying the child:
Don’t lie about what happened just because you think the child will understand it better or you do not want to reveal traumatic details. It is easy to make up a simple story, but it complicates matters later. If you do not want to share, it is fine to go back to simple truths like “She got very sick” or “She was very old” or “His heart just stopped working/he stopped breathing.” The child may have a fear that this will happen to him/her, but you can reassure the child that his/her body is healthy and working well.
You can be vague with the details. “He got hurt” is a fine explanation as long as you are prepared to answer the question that will likely follow (“How?”). Be aware that any mental image you give to the child will be held in his/her mind. “There was an accident” is also likely to prompt either questions about “what type of accident?” or mental images of vehicle accidents, whether or not this was the case. Essentially, you can explain briefly what happened, such as a car crash or illness, without going into the level of detail that we as adults sometimes need.
If the death followed a long illness or injury, sticking with body parts can help you stay concrete: “His body got very, very sick” or “His heart broke” are examples.
The child may not react how you expect. He likely feels the loss deeply but may not have the words to explain it. Sometimes behavior problems, withdrawal, or anxiety spring up. These are all worth talking about, as the child may not even realize these feelings and behaviors are connected to the loss. If you run into difficulties with mood or behavior following a loss and they seem to be getting worse, professional grief counseling can help.
Be on the watch for any self-blaming, even as kids grow older. Sometimes children think that something they did or did not do caused the loved one to die, or they feel guilty for surviving when the loved one did not. Reassure them that nothing was their fault, even if they don’t verbalize that they blame themselves.
Stock up on some books that can help you explain death, funerals, and heaven. I recommend watching someone read them on YouTube before purchasing, as some are more specific to illness or injury, and some are geared toward older children in the illustrations or wording.
Some notes on funerals: In preparing for the funeral, many caregivers have questions about what and how much to expose the child to. While many of us find closure in a visitation/wake service or viewing the body, caregivers may have reservations about whether the child should do so. Again, much of this can be determined by the individual child and the caregiver’s knowledge of that child. A younger child of 3 or 4 may have a fearful reaction to seeing a loved one in a casket. He may think the loved one is asleep and become confused about why the casket is closed. On the other hand, the child may be curious or solemn and use the opportunity as a way to say goodbye. It is not essential that every child view the body to obtain closure or understand death. Each caregiver can decide to prepare a child based on that child. No child should be forced either way, and the child should know he has the option to take a break any time.
If the child has a desire to attend the wake or funeral and view the body, and if the caregiver suspects developmental readiness, it is possible to prepare the child to see the body with the understanding that the person is no longer there, but instead is a spirit/in heaven/invisible now. Note that a young child is likely not mentally or physically prepared to attend a service lasting several hours.
Whether or not the body is viewed, the funeral or burial service can be a chance for the child to say goodbye. This is concrete and provides closure for little people, too.
Be clear with others who may provide care for your child about the words you have used to explain death. Keep a close ear on what others say at the funeral. It is helpful to have all the young children on the same page about the loved one’s death.
After a loved one’s death as well as following the funeral, these suggestions may be helpful:
Keep the child in as regular a routine as possible, including home routine, daycare or school, meals, and sleep.
Remind him/her of the loved one’s love for that child. Give the child a concrete way to keep that loved one alive in his or her life. Pictures, special items either given as gifts or items that belonged to the loved one, saying “goodnight” to the loved one, or praying for the loved one each night can help do this. It is hard for the adults, of course, but it is important in the child’s process of solidifying good memories of the person who died and recognizing that the loved one is indeed spiritually present.
Give the child things to hope for and look forward to. Make pictures about what is coming up: something at daycare, grandma’s, a party, a playdate or outing. Talk about looking forward to things often.
Be encouraged to ask the child how he/she is feeling about the loved one. This can help you gauge how much to help the child continue to process the death.
Artwork can be a beautiful way of helping a child express feelings about the loved one, draw what the loved one might look like in heaven, or draw how he/she is still connected to the loved one.
Seek resources in your community, online, and through family members. Help your child know whom he/she can talk to about the death. Many churches have bereavement programs and written or online resources that can help both adults and children who are grieving.
Some books and resources to help with words when you do not have the right ones (screen first or listen to them on YouTube to determine appropriateness):
Children Grieve, Too: Helping Children Cope with Grief
God Gave Us Heaven by Laura Bryant and Lisa Tawn Bergren
Lifetimes: A Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss by Michaelene Mundy
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney
What’s Heaven? By Maria Shriver
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
When I Feel Sad by Cornelia Maude Spelman
When I’m With Jesus: For any Child with a Love One in Heaven by Kimberly Rae
When Someone Very Special Dies (coloring Workbook) by Marge Heegaard
