Q. What is required of me to forgive someone? What must I do to forgive?
Editor’s Note: The Register posed this question to Dr. Peter Martin, Internship Director of Integrated Training and Formation at the Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center of CSS in Lincoln.
A. This is a critical question, one which has profound spiritual consequences that extend even into the afterlife. First, before providing a direct answer to the question, let’s consider a few problems with unforgiveness.
Scripture communicates that if you forgive others, then the Father will also forgive you; but if you don’t forgive, your sins remain unforgiven (cf. Mt 6:14-15). Also, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Mt 5:7). The Catechism states that mercy cannot enter our hearts unless we have forgiven our trespassers (CCC § 2840). Thus, forgiving others is required—at least, that is, if you want God’s forgiveness!
From a psychological standpoint, understandably for some—perhaps many—forgiveness can seem a very painful and daunting challenge, for instance, if one is the victim of extreme abuse or neglect by a parent. The forgiveness process can hurt, especially if it elicits unprocessed memories of the painful past that a person may have spent decades trying to psychologically “stuff” or avoid.
Anger is a common reaction to experiencing the wounds of an unforgiven injustice. Anger is known as a secondary emotion that helps one to feel strong and “protect” oneself from feeling a primary emotion such as hurt. Over time a person can cultivate anger to such an extent that it can start to become them. That is, it can become literally a part of one’s identity, fueling an alliance of unhealthy choices.
Ironically, a victim’s anger can generalize to and victimize others who played no role at all in one’s suffering, e.g., seeking revenge on an entire family for the pain inflicted by one of its members. Even righteous anger can easily mutate into self-righteous anger. As St. Francis de Sales wisely put it, anger that has turned into hatred “is nourished by a thousand false pretexts; there never was an angry man who thought his anger unjust.”
Anger, especially if cultivated, is in many ways incompatible with happiness and peace. Indeed, if you have ever met a person in a state of anger, you undoubtedly just encountered a person in a state of misery. It thus seems reasonable that the Lord requires our forgiveness and wants us to let go of our anger and unforgiveness and authentically experience the good life. God truly desires our happiness more than we do.
Yet what does the forgiveness process look like? What must one do to forgive?
An operational definition of forgiving is offered by two Catholics, Drs. Robert Enright and Richard Fitzgibbons:
“People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).”
Let’s unpack. The forgiver rationally verifies that a real injustice occurred (not simply hurt feelings, but an actual injustice was committed against the person). Then, with this determination, the person makes a volitional choice to “abandon resentment and related responses” and instead opts to respond with beneficence and possibly other charitable options such as compassion, generosity, and moral love. Not necessarily required by scripture, the authors state that a deep forgiveness process can convert personal choices to seek revenge into an active interest in the welfare of the offender; or transform thoughts that the other is evil to cognitions that the other has unconditional worth; or strikingly even change emotions of hatred to emotions of love.
Enright and Fitzgibbons propose a four-phase forgiveness model. Phase 1 (Uncovering) considers how the injustice has compromised one’s life. Phase 2 (Decision) assists in clarifying what forgiveness is and is not, allowing for an informed decision to forgive or not. Phase 3 (Work) helps reframe one’s view of the offender, leading to change in view of other, self, and the relationship. And Phase 4 (Deepening) nurtures meaning in and through the suffering experienced, improves connection with others, and renews life purpose.
I highly recommend Enright’s book, “Forgiveness is a Choice,” for details on how to forgive at a deeper, more life-giving level. If the forgiveness journey continues to be too challenging, you may want to seek a spiritual director for ongoing counsel and/or a competent psychotherapist to address underlying fears and insecurities—including trauma—blocking the forgiveness process.
Write to Ask the Register using our online form, or write to 3700 Sheridan Blvd., Suite 10, Lincoln NE 68506-6100. All questions are subject to editing. Editors decide which questions to publish. Personal questions cannot be answered. People with such questions are urged to take them to their nearest Catholic priest.
