7 Steps to fortify communication as a couple
By Timothy White, M.Psy., Psychology intern at the Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center in Lincoln
In a lot of ways, the cards are stacked against families and couples right now. Couples are under incredible stress. We now have intergenerational divorce where two, or three, or even four generations have experienced divorce; maybe even in your family. We have a situation where relational stress is extremely high, and no one necessarily taught us how to manage that in a relationship. The Catholic faith and God’s Word tell us to be patient, to forgive, to love—but no one asked Jesus how to do that scientifically.
There is a lot about a skilled approach to communication that lines up with the Catholic virtues: Faith, Hope, Love, Temperance, Justice, Prudence, and Courage. The following seven steps can help fortify your communication against the divisive spirit of the age:
1 Examine the hindering factors to communication
What are the barriers to me being able to communicate with my spouse? What hinders us from communicating with each other clearly? Do your emotions become flooded? Are you angry before you even start talking?
Is the timing right? Have we been stuck in a negative pattern for a long time? When would your partner want to have a discussion?
Are there any pre-conditions that need to be established for me to feel safe to have a conversation with my spouse? What does my partner need to feel safe?
2 Build Skills
Build the skills you need to overcome these barriers. Practice these skills with a friend or coworker first until you get comfortable. If you can master these, your chances of enhancing and fortifying your relationship increase.
3 Establish a Time-Out Signal
Make sure you have a “Time Out” signal, if you need some emotional space—it is okay to stop a conversation and come back to it later.
4 Empathic Skill
The whole goal of this skill is to put your thoughts and opinions on hold until you are able to articulate exactly how the other person is thinking and feeling.
Empathy corresponds to the virtues of love and understanding. You have to stop thinking and feeling your own thoughts and feelings until your partner can say, “You understand.”
It’s St. Francis’s prayer, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Your first goal in every argument is not to convince your partner that you are right—it is to convince your partner that you can put his or her argument in your own words.
5 Expressive Skill
Next, you express your thoughts and feelings, and make it easy to receive. Speak subjectively. Instead of saying, “You are wrong.” Say, “I think you are wrong.”
Be clear that what you are expressing is your opinion and that you are open to discovering the truth together. Try to start your sentences with “I.” Make sure your partner can explain your view, too. The skill of expressing takes the virtues of courage and commitment.
6 Discussion/Negotiation Skill
With this skill you want to take turns empathizing and expressing. You want to make the topic as narrow as possible—try to stay on track. And at the same time, connect as deeply as you can emotionally.
When both of you feel better understood, brainstorm as many good ideas and crazy ideas as possible. Don’t rule anything out yet. Couples often skip this step, and miss out on exciting opportunities. Who knows what amazing thing will happen?! Discussion uses the virtues of patience and imagination.
7 Problem/Conflict Resolution Skill
Once you’ve both brainstormed as many ideas as you can, pick one to try for a week or two. You can try a different one next week if the first one doesn’t work out.
Be concrete about how you will implement it. Write down the how, what, when, where, why and who. Think of all the exceptions that might arise. This skill uses the virtues of prudence and hope.
You can build a relationship that is a masterpiece. With fortification against relational stress so rampant in our times, you have the ability to create a ripple effect of strong relationships across generations.
Of course it will feel like swimming upstream, but who knows how good your relationship could become.
