Q. How do you tell if you are gossiping or just sharing a concern?
A. No matter one’s state in life, I think everyone is tempted by the allure of gossip.
It might be easy to think of gossip as a sin that afflicts only certain people of a certain age, but the simple truth is it is everywhere. Adults, children, people who are married, people who are single, priests, religious, no one is immune from the temptation to share the faults – real or imagined – of others.
While gossip is (I believe) a universal temptation, the reasons we gossip are varied. For some, it is out of envy and a desire to tear others down. Some like to just give the impression of being “in the know” because of their own insecurities around feeling ostracized or rejected.
Some do it out of pride and a desire to appear better than others. To overcome any sin, we need to identify our intention, or why we turn to whatever sin it is we are struggling with. It is always good to reflect on our motivation for sinning, and inviting our Lord into that place so that we can turn to Him instead of sin.
Intention is also the key to discerning between gossip and sharing a concern. Gossip is, generally speaking, a form of detraction, which is when one, without an objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them (CCC 2477). What we are saying is true, but the person we are sharing it with did not need to know the information we are sharing.
Notice the Catechism includes an important caveat in its definition. Detraction is sharing someone’s fault “without an objectively valid reason.” There are times where someone does have objectively valid reasons to share the faults of another. This is when, contrary to detraction, the person we are sharing with does need to know. If someone knows someone is stealing from the workplace, or hurting someone, then there is an objective reason to share that person’s fault with another so that the behavior stops. This is not gossip.
That becomes the determining factor when considering if something is gossip or sharing a concern. Am I sharing this information for the sake of helping someone? Am I sharing this information with someone who can help, or for the sake of getting advice on what to do? These are helpful questions to ask ourselves. If the answers are no, then it is probably gossip.
Related to this question is “venting.” Sometimes we just need to get things off our chest. It is not necessarily for the sake of helping the person we are talking about, nor is it necessarily sharing it with someone who can do something about it. Nonetheless, it is not necessarily gossip. If it is someone who we can truly trust, and we are doing it simply to express frustration, then it can be okay. We have an objectively valid reason (expressing frustration for the sake of moving past it) and we are sharing it with someone who, even though maybe they do not strictly need to know, is there to listen so we can move past our anger and, in that sense, does need to know.
It is a fine line to walk, though. As a general rule, we should vent once to one person to get something off our chest. If we keep “venting” to multiple people about the same person or situation, then it becomes less about getting something off our chest and more about just spreading gossip. Again, it is a fine line, but venting can be okay.
Prayer is a powerful remedy for gossip. If we are truly worried about someone, then we should tell God about it. We can and should always go to God with everything, including our concerns or our frustrations. Venting to God can be very healthy, as not only do we get things off our chest, we actually get His grace to help us to move forward.
This question was answered by Father Caleb La Rue, chancellor of the Diocese of Lincoln. Write to Ask the Register using our online form, or write to 3700 Sheridan Blvd., Suite 10, Lincoln NE 68506-6100. All questions are subject to editing. Editors decide which questions to publish. Personal questions cannot be answered. People with such questions are urged to take them to their nearest Catholic priest.
