Q. My church has a lot of people who pray for you by literally putting hands on you, and I don’t like it. Is it OK if I decline that?
A. While I was a seminarian in Philadelphia, I was milling about the vestibule of our seminary chapel, waiting for our Christmas concert to start, when a parishioner at the parish I was assigned to came up to say hello. The way this very nice, elderly Italian woman chose to say ‘hi’ was to kiss me full on the lips.
I was not very happy about this. I understood it was her culture, and it was her way of being nice, but for me, it was an incredibly awkward experience. It was made all the more awkward by the presence of my seminarian friends who thought it was hilarious and, being the good friends that they were and knowing how uncomfortable this interaction was for me, made jokes about it for weeks. I believe this interaction provides a useful illustration for answering this question.
Before moving into the actual answer part (spoiler: yes, it is absolutely OK to say no to someone putting his or her hand on you to pray for you), I think it is necessary to first examine the practice of touching someone while praying for that person. This is very clearly rooted in Scripture, with our Lord generally touching those that He healed. Shortly after His Ascension, we see the Apostles laying hands on the baptized to call down the Holy Spirit (Confirmation) as well as on those who are elevated to share in their ministry (Holy Orders). Therefore the “imposition of hands” takes on an entirely new quality as part of the celebration of the sacraments.
While this did not eliminate the practice of placing a hand on someone while praying for him or her, legitimate concern that such a practice would cause confusion amongst the faithful as to what was happening does seem to have led to the practice largely being abandoned in the Catholic Church throughout Her history (see Guidelines for Prayer of Healing ICCRS Doctrinal Commission). In recent years, especially following the Second Vatican Council’s reemphasizing charismatic gifts, the practice of putting a hand on someone to pray with the person has become more common in the Church.
Placing a hand on someone’s shoulder while praying for him or her is meant to be an act of compassion, and to be a source of comfort. Catholics are incarnational. We believe that outward signs are very, very important to humans and so placing your hand on someone’s shoulder is meant to be an outward sign of compassion and support for the person being prayed with. It is not necessary, and it is not more efficacious, but for some people it can be a source of consolation.
I would like to emphasize ‘for some people.’ Just because you may find it helpful to have another person put a hand on your shoulder while that person is praying for you does not mean that everyone feels the same way. No one should ever presume to put his or her hand on someone else’s shoulder during prayer.
To go back to my opening story, there is a cultural and historical origin to kissing as a sign of greeting that is well founded, and part of the culture of many people throughout the world. But that does not mean you can just go around kissing people, claiming cultural expression.
Similarly, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder to pray for that person is founded in Scripture, and the practice of the ancient Church, and is a perfectly valid practice that has become a common part of some forms of Catholic prayer. But that doesn’t mean anyone can put a hand on someone else without that person’s consent. Just because some people find it helpful does not give one the right to do it for everyone.
Should a person feel so moved as to place a hand on someone else’s shoulder while praying for that person, the individual MUST always ask permission first. Again, it is meant to be a sign of compassion and support, but if the one being prayed for does not want to be touched, then it becomes a sign of invasiveness and a cause of discomfort.
The Enemy loves to prey upon the well-intentioned, twisting them so that they become so consumed with the outcome that they lose sight of the person they are trying to help. Having good intentions does not give anyone ‘carte blanche’ to do whatever he or she thinks is right.
This question was answered by Father Caleb La Rue, chancellor of the Diocese of Lincoln. Write to Ask the Register using our online form, or write to 3700 Sheridan Blvd., Suite 10, Lincoln NE 68506-6100. All questions are subject to editing. Editors decide which questions to publish. Personal questions cannot be answered. People with such questions are urged to take them to their nearest Catholic priest.
