By Ann Peters Miller, M.S.
Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center (IHMCC) has long made a concerted effort to protect and strengthen marriage and family and is now offering a new form of therapy called discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is intended for “mixed agenda” couples, in which one spouse is ambivalent towards marital therapy and considering divorce, and the other wants to save the marriage. Discernment counseling is designed to give couples a chance to slow down, take a breath, consider their own humility in key areas that may be influencing their marital struggle, and discern the best options for their marriage.
IHMCC’s mission is to strengthen individuals, marriages and families. The family is an integral part of our community. We, as a society, have a responsibility towards the family. “The importance of the family for the life and well-being of society entails a particular responsibility for society to support and strengthen marriage and the family” (CCC 2210).
Dr. Bill Doherty, an internationally known marriage expert from the Doherty Relationship Institute, developed discernment counseling as a way of working with couples with mixed agendas, in which one spouse is leaning out of the marriage and the other wants to save it (leaning in). His research has shown that there is a high level of divorce ambivalence and uncertainty in couples even after they start the divorce process. One study showed that about 30% of individuals in the process of divorce, who have children, still have hope for their marriage and were interested in receiving help to reconcile. Marriage therapists struggle working with these couples because traditional marital therapy assumes both spouses are leaning in and want to preserve the marriage.
A study was done of 100 consecutive discernment counseling cases, for couples who were on the brink of or considering divorce, and the following is what was found: 48% of the couples who completed the discernment counseling sessions chose to “take divorce off the table” and do six months of all-out marital counseling, 42% of the couples chose to separate or divorce, and 2% of the couples decided to stay together, but not do marital counseling. About 40% of the total sample were still married two years after discernment counseling. Discernment counseling later updated its data based on 952 cases from 73 certified discernment counselors around the country: 51% chose to take the path to marital counseling, 30% chose to separate or divorce, and 19% chose to continue to stay married as they have been.
Discernment counseling works with the “leaning in” spouse so that person can learn to make constructive changes in his or her life and work to improve the marriage. Discernment counseling will help the “leaning out” spouse to examine his or her role in marital problems.
The goals of discernment counseling are to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of the relationship and each person’s contributions to the problems and the possibilities for the future. Another goal is to gain confidence as the person moves forward. We at IHMCC feel a duty to help these mixed agenda couples, give them the opportunity to bring their best selves to this crisis in their marriage, and rescue the marriage out of the fire. Each spouse will be treated with compassion and respect, no matter how they feel about their marriage.
The couple comes in together, but most of the work is done in one-to-one conversations with the therapist. This is done because the spouses are starting out in two different places. The spouses are asked to reflect and look at their own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This type of therapy is only short term, one to seven sessions. We are working to avoid half-hearted couples therapy that is much more likely to fail.
Through this process the mixed-agenda couple will acquire a deeper, richer level of knowledge about their relationship and the problems they faced.
These mixed agenda couples come to us oftentimes from failed couples’ therapy. They have family and friends who are taking sides. They are afraid of what divorce might bring but also fearful of the slow death of a miserable marriage. With so much at stake, we do not want to ignore the difficulties they are confronting. However, the emphasis of discernment counseling at IHMCC is to salvage a marriage that is headed toward the slow death of a miserable marriage. When a spouse who has been feeling hopeless can see his or her own contributions to the problems and make changes, it gives that person hope instead of feelings of despair. People don’t necessarily divorce because of incompatibility; they usually divorce over how to deal with these differences.
Strengthening marriage is of the essence. With so much at stake, we owe these couples the chance to look at the reality of what they are confronting. The Church can greatly benefit by helping couples in conflict who are inching toward divorce. Discernment counseling can assist in this process.
Ann Peters Miller is certified in Discernment Counseling. Ann has been a therapist at Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center for over 35 years. She is trained in The Doherty Approach for marital therapy and has been a marital therapist for over 35 years. If interested in seeking Discernment Counseling, or learning more about other therapy services, call Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center at 402-489-1834 or visit www.immaculateheartcounseling.org.
