By S.L. Hansen
for the Register
A new initiative called “Remember” is now out of the pilot stage and available to support Catholics whose loved ones took their own lives.
Developed by Sister Kathryn Maney, M.S., and Dr. Matthew Brueninger, MA, Psy.D., “Remember” is unique in combining grief support with Catholic spirituality.
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States. According to the Center of Disease Control’s most recently published statistics, the rate was one person taking his or her own life every 11 minutes in 2023.
Beyond the statistics is the brutal reality that when a person has lost somebody in this way, grief is very, very different.
“A natural death that comes as a consequence of old age or an illness and maybe was foreseen and not so sudden, that’s [clinically] called simple grief,” Sister Kathryn explained. “With suicide grief, it’s complicated by the fact that, in a sense, you’ve experienced a murder where the murderer and the victim are the same person.”
Sister Kathryn, a member of the Marian Sisters of the Diocese of Lincoln, knows this in a personal way. Her sister died by suicide five years ago.
As she sought support for her family and for herself, Sister Kathryn did not find many resources. They initially relied on a Lincoln-based secular program, which was helpful from a natural sense but did not address larger faith questions.
In 2022, Sister Kathryn was given a new assignment at Benedictine College in Atchison, Kan. While there, she found a purportedly Catholic online group, but was shocked to discover the facilitators advocated for things opposed to Church teaching.
Around that time, a faithful Catholic who was a friend to the Marian Sisters also died by suicide. Another sister asked for resources to offer to his family and friends, but Sister Kathryn could only suggest the Lincoln secular group and the book, “After Suicide: There’s Hope for Them and You” by Father Chris Alar of the Congregation of Marian Fathers of the Immaculate Conception.
Sister Kathryn took her frustrations about the lack of Catholic resources for this kind of grief to her spiritual director. He responded, “Well, Sister, why don’t you start something?”
Sister Kathryn agreed to pray about it, and the idea of “Remember” came to her. She received permission from her superior to pursue it while serving her assignment at Benedictine. Bishop James Conley gave her a letter of recommendation to help open doors.
Faced with starting “Remember” from scratch, Sister Kathryn only had a basic framework of everything she hoped such a grief support program would provide in a Catholic parish. Fortunately, the Lord provided.
While attending the January 2023 SEEK Conference with Benedictine students, Sister Kathryn went to a talk by Dr. Matthew Breuninger, a licensed clinical psychologist who focuses on the intersection of faith and psychology.
“The Lord seemed to nudge me, ‘Ask him about ‘Remember,’” Sister Kathryn recalled.
She didn’t see how it would be possible in such a huge conference, but Dr. Breuninger offered to answer questions one-on-one at the end of his talk. Obediently, Sister Kathryn waited in line for two hours to see him.
After she explained her idea, Dr. Breuninger confirmed, “You have the grace of obedience. I have letters behind my name. I can kick down doors. Let’s do this!”
This led to weekly phone calls between the two as they built Sister Kathryn’s idea into a 12-week online support group program. Dr. Breuninger helped contact professionals who contributed to the program. Among those are Dr. Sean Stevens, a clinical psychologist from Omaha, Father Alar, and Father Andrew Heaslip of the Lincoln Diocese.
“We base the 12 weeks on the principle that grace builds on nature,” Sister Kathryn said.
The first half provides a natural-level understanding grief, suicidality, and accurate Catholic teaching. Two weeks follow on forgiveness. Then, they enter a series of weeks using Ignatian prayer to focus on God’s mercy and trusting their loved one to Him.
Sister Kathryn spoke of the private revelation given to Saint Faustina about despairing souls and Jesus’ offering of mercy to them.
“He comes to those souls three times,” she said. “The consolation of knowing that the Lord was there and offering them His mercy as they passed is huge.”
In the closing week, “Remember” covers what it means to move forward in the journey of healing.
As the program took shape, Sister Kathryn had another hurdle to face: making “Remember” available.
Providentially, Sister Kathryn said, she crossed paths with Red Bird Ministries (RBM). RBM is a Catholic grief support program that serves individuals and couples who have experienced the loss of a child.
Sister Kathryn hoped that RBM founder Kelly Breaux would be able to guide her in how to start, manage and fund a grief support ministry. About a week after they spoke, however, Breaux called to offer RBM as the umbrella organization for “Remember.”
Elizabeth Leon, RBM director of family support, said “Remember” was a good fit because the organization in need of a suicide program.
“Grief is isolating. Grief to suicide loss is even more isolating,” Leon noted. “‘Remember’ is distinct because it is the only RBM program that is not just for parents of child loss. ‘Remember’ serves anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide — child, parent, sibling, relative, or friend.”
RBM had much of the ‘back office’ support that Sister Kathryn needed.
Leon said, “We had the infrastructure to promote the program at a national and international level, to secure funding, and to provide beautiful, high-quality materials” including the leader’s guide and a journal for participants.
In the spring and fall of 2024, Sister Kathryn and her co-facilitator Tom Korta of Lincoln held two pilot sessions to test and improve “Remember.” Now two other facilitators have gone through training via RBM, and two more are in training.
A pair of facilitators works with each “Remember” group. One requirement is that at least one of the pair must have experienced suicide loss and experienced “Remember” as a participant.
“This provides hope and comfort to grieving families, because their leader has been on a similar grief journey and is experiencing some measure of healing and restoration,” Leon said. “The bereaved want to hear from someone who knows the landscape of suffering they are in. They want someone who will get in the hole with them, not offer platitudes from the outside.”
Two “Remember” online groups are operating this autumn. At last count, around 50 families were on the waiting list. Sister Kathryn would like to see many parishes host in-person “Remember” groups to serve all the hurting families in need of assistance.
She said, “Two of my main hopes are: one, that the individuals who experience ‘Remember’ understand and recognize God’s mercy for them and for their loved ones who passed, how much He wills their salvation while respecting the individuals’ free will; and then two, that they are not alone. The Holy Mother Church walks with them in that dark place.”
With a knowing sigh, she added, “Their grief will never go away, but it doesn’t have to be as heavy as it was initially.”
